Child abuse and neglect is regarded by most lay people and professionals as the outcome of unskilled, under- resourced parents who are abusive and perhaps worse, not conscious of their children’s basic needs. In this model, when parents are “equipped” with coping skills, we assume that they can and will use them proficiently and the children may be safely returned to the family environment.
However, a new and broader perspective is gaining ground throughout the therapeutic and legal communities. Behavioral genetics’ systemic counselors and facilitators believe that unresolved trauma is passed down through generations within the family nervous system. When abuse or neglect occurs, the victim/perpetrator dynamic is in question. These professionals look back in the family history to see who else was abused or neglected, or who was abusive or neglectful. They ask, “Who else was the victim and who else was the perpetrator in a past generation?”
In a family, when a trauma occurs that is too deep to mourn, it becomes “that thing we don’t speak about” and its effects may echo through generations, presenting in a variety of repetitive patterns. So we see families of sad women, or alcoholic men, missing children, fearful lineages, all unconsciously bound by what happened behind them. The systemic lens allows hidden family patterns to surface and be addressed. Thus, today’s child victim no longer needs to take on abuse or neglect in order to bring attention to that which came before them.
Take the case of Ruby, a twenty-two year old who is summoned to court for child neglect. Her three-year-old daughter was found soiled, hungry, frightened and alone in their apartment. Ruby struggles to make ends meet, holding down two jobs and studying at the same time. The father of the child visits occasionally and is interested but disconnected. According to current thinking, therapy, education, monitoring and child support should take care of the matter.
Through the “systemic looking glass” the case reads a little differently. Ruby’s mother, we discover, was never really present for her daughter or her husband. She seemed to tune out when Ruby turned three, right after a miscarriage. When Ruby turned five, her father left. One of Ruby’s chief complaints is that she picks losers, men who leave her. The absent father of her own child is just another prime example.
When we look at Ruby’s grandmother, we discover that she lost a child when Ruby’s mother was three. After that Grandmother was distant and inattentive to her daughter and husband. Grandfather eventually gave up and divorced her. In turn, when Ruby turned three, her mother entered the trance of the unresolved grief and tuned out, eventually losing her own husband. Ruby, in turn, could not give her daughter what she did not receive – care and attention from her own mother after the age of three.
From their first moments together, Ruby’s daughter was the love of her life and yet, Ruby says recently she just hasn’t had the energy to care for her. An early term miscarriage a few months ago has left her tired and listless. She feels sad, tuned out and “switched off”. She has no connection with either of her parents.
The systemic facilitator or behavioral geneticist is able to demonstrate that Ruby looks for her missing father in all men, just as her mother did. Like her mother and grandmother, she has lost a child without appropriate mourning and acknowledgment so is unable to look at, or nurture her living daughter. Encouraged by the facilitator to make contact with her parents, she is also asked to keep a picture of her grandparents in her room. She lights a candle for them when she feels herself tuning out and makes place for both of them in her life, understanding at last the true origins of her emotional withdrawal. The facilitator also suggests she wear an angel pendant round her neck and name the child she lost. Whenever she feels sad, she can touch the pendant and tell the one she miscarried: “Good can come of this. I will take you with me, rather than finding myself drawn to you.”
Some months later Ruby reports that she and her daughter are doing well. She has spoken to her parents and sees them in a different light now. Her new boyfriend seems more engaged and she reports being happy, for the first time, to have a man in her life.
An alternative dynamic surfaces when a parent wants to abuse his emotionally absent partner to get her attention, but instead directs the abuse at the child. The child accepts it, needing to maintain the survival bond. In this dynamic the child again plays the hero, attempting to save the family, by unconsciously sacrificing himself.
Addressing the relationship between the partners is the key to bringing an end to the child’s poor treatment. Systemic facilitators ask which partner is unavailable to the other and why? Was there a former love who abandoned the other? Was there an abortion, a miscarriage or death of a child that is too painful to address? Did members of a prior generation fail in relationships, so the next generation remains loyal by also failing? This line of questioning leads parents to recognize the unhealthy ways in which they express family loyalty. In effect, they are following an observable dynamic by saying “Mother, Father, I will do as you did,” as a way of belonging in the system, even when the previous generation did poorly, even when they do poorly.
A third dynamic may be seen in families where an adult partner is unavailable. In this case the child becomes the confidante, caretaker, and sometimes even the sexual partner to the remaining parent. Effectively the child becomes an adult, often disrespectful of, or aggressive toward, the absent parent. The inner sentence may be: “We don’t need him/her. I will give you what they didn’t.” Sometimes that disrespect extends to all authority figures. These children challenge the system and negotiate like adults as a means of keeping the family structure intact. When these dynamics are observed, behavioral geneticists ask why the parent feels a need to lean on the child? What happened between this parent and his own parents?
When a child does not have healthy love and attention, especially from the same sex parent, he does not have the weight (strength) to face the challenges of daily life. He cannot receive praise, positive reinforcement, or good fortune easily. In turn, he can also not pass on love or nurturing. Again, he cannot give that which he did not receive. By looking at the family system, we can see where and why healthy love and attention ceased. That allows us to identify the roots of the present generation’s behavior.
These dynamics can be addressed directly by the absent, abusive or neglectful parent or parents. Resolution includes stating the truth to a partner, “I loved another before you, and I have been unavailable to you in this relationship. You have every right to be angry with me, but not with our children.” Or, “Son, I have treated you like a partner instead of a child, but I no longer need you to fill that role. For this you are too small. You are just a child.”
Statements of truth are followed by a respectful request from the child to take his place in the family, as a child. He acknowledges their support and strength, as well as his position. Recognizing that he got enough, he agrees to do well with the life he has received. Finally, there is a restatement of the way things are from this new perspective, and a look toward a bright future.
In the case of a missing or deceased sibling, the living ones are sometimes defiant or sick ‘heroes’ in an attempt to be seen, or to keep the grief stricken parent within the family system. Here a parent might state to a child, “I see what you tried to do to keep me in the family, and I appreciate how difficult it must have been. I see that I allowed it to happen because I was in such pain at the loss of your sibling. You are just a child, and I am your parent. I see you and I will take care of you. It’s good when you live well and are happy.” Now the abuse or neglect that the child took personally is seen in its proper context, as a response to a family trauma. A choice is made by the parent to acknowledge and accept the pain of the trauma. The whole family is encouraged to give the dead or missing sibling their rightful place in the family and to talk about them, thus bringing them into the consciousness of the healthier family system. A sacrifice is no longer required.
In the family systems approach, every member of the family has an equal right to belong. All are important and all must be included. Rank depends on who came first in the system. Current generations are loyal to the previous ones in healthy or unhealthy ways, and by examining the ways in which loyalty is expressed, light is shed on unresolved traumas. This approach respects the place of every member of the family. Here, when a child tries to balance a heavy fate he is out of order, and will fail. When a parent doesn’t take strength from his parents, success and abundance eludes him. In turn, his children may attempt to save him, even though it is too big a task, and they cannot succeed either. In their failure, they perpetuate the hidden family pattern and highlight the imbalance in the family system.
Behavioral Genetics maps out the generations, highlights the relationships, uncovers the traumas, and returns each family member to his proper, hence safe, place. It does not look for a villain, nor seek to punish. In fact, this approach demonstrates that every time the family trauma resurfaces, it offers a chance for healing and resolution. Restoring balance allows love to flow down through the generations. From this wider perspective, parents can make choices that honor and strengthen the family.
Dynamics are observable and outcomes predictable. The systemic approach equips clients with an awareness of limiting family patterns, offering them a chance to shift their inner image, activate their own healing, and benefit future generations.
© 2008 Tina Baker, Gail Cloud, and Judy M. Smith All rights reserved.
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The approaches described in this article are solely for informational purposes. The authors are not dispensing medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or prescriptions either directly or indirectly. We make no recommendations or representations concerning the psychological affects for any of the reported ideas, nor are we suggesting that the materials presented relates to any ailment of the reader. Whenever persons find themselves in need of treatment by a medical professional, we encourage them to see their duly-licensed medical practitioner. Persons using the theories and information contained herein do so entirely at their own risk.
